True Christians

Rick Santorum, like many Christians, isn’t a big fan of his fellow Christians when those other Christians don’t believe exactly the same things his brand of Christianity believes.  He said, “we look at the shape of mainline Protestantism in this country and it is a shambles, it is gone from the world of Christianity as I see it.”  If you wonder what the problem is with mainline Protestantism as Santorum sees it, it’s that they tend not to be biblical literalists who think the world is 6,000 years old.  They tend not to be screamingly homophobic misogynists who think birth control is a gateway to Hell.  None of this is to say that they don’t accept most of the loony-tunes shit Santorum does.  They do believe Jesus is the son of God and that he was nailed to a cross in order to redeem the sins of man.  All of this happened over 2,000 ago, and the world so far is empirically none the better for it, but that doesn’t stop Super Duper Christians and pansy Protestants from keeping on believing.  I do enjoy seeing Christians attack one another for their beliefs.  I love the hand-wringing over Mormonism we’ve seen from the Republican base.  I like to hear one Christian condemn another for not being Christian enough.  It’s a jolly good fuck of a show, and really, it’s what that whole separation of church and state thing was about in the first place.  There is no such thing as a pure Christian faith… there is not now and there never was.  It’s all open to interpretation, and people have been putting their own spin on Bible passages for a few millennia now.  Therefore, if you make laws directly based Christianity, then those laws will be based on one man’s particular interpretation of the Bible or St. Augustine or the Pope or whatever the fuck.  Even, mega-Catholic Rick Santorum, who we must all agree is our preeminent Biblical scholar, doesn’t agree with the Pope on every issue (including: evolution, torture, the death penalty, health care, minimum wage increase, immigration… well just take a look here), and although this should be seen as heretical and get his ass excommunicated, for some reason he’s still loping about, dragging his knuckles and pretending to be a Papal loyalist.  So, if Santorum makes the laws based on Christianity, those laws would be radically different from the ones the Pope would make and different still from the ones a Southern Baptist would make or a Unitarian Universalist.  The fact is, the Bible is full of hypocrisy, contradiction and out right evil masquerading as morality.  That precious book of sick iron age fantasies is not a good guide for living life in the technological 21st century, but since there’s so much disagreement about what constitutes a true Christian, I’d like to jump into the fray, and go on the record.  Here’s the record, I think it’s Kool and the Gang, the only true Christian is one who has been baptized, and the baptism must be full submersion, and the full submersion must be for a duration of not less than one half an hour.  Anybody who hasn’t undergone the sacrament of the half hour full submersion baptism is a false Christian, and they’re just going to have to deal with it.


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