Conspiracy Party USA

The black helicopters are coming. Put on your tinfoil hats. It’s time for the next chapter in the increasingly deranged Republican Party of conspiracy theorists. Firstly, Obama is a Kenyan secret Muslim ordering the murders of his homosexual ex-lovers throughout Chicagoland. There’s no need to go into that because we all know it’s deeply and madly true. Just ask Sherriff Joe Arpaio. But there’s more to our insidious fraud-in-chief than that because he’s coming to take your guns!!!
Willard “Mitt” Romney, the Republican frontrunner for president – keep that clear in your head, he isn’t some fringe loon, he’s the party’s verdammt nigh-defacto leader! Mitt was speaking… Yes, he is a grown man who goes by the cute “Mittens” diminutive of “Mitt.” That’s for real! Soon, we might allow him to start dressing in long pants! Soon, Mitt will be a man! Get ready for the Bar-Mitt-zvah! Anyway, Willard is having a folksy Mormon chat with some of his supportive folks, and then this exchange of poignant ideas takes place…
PARANOID NUTBALL SAYS: There are over 9 million of us in that voting bloc and I just wondered what you’re going to do, are you going to allow me to keep my gun, to protect myself and my family, in my home, and not come and get my gun. Because I want to keep it to protect myself and my wife and my family and against a tyrannical government, which I think we’re approaching and we are in, very close.
MITT RESPONDS: Thank you, thank you. I believe in the Second Amendment…
Mr. Romney doesn’t even bother to refute what the paranoid nutball said. The paranoid nutball believes that someday soon the government of the United States (and that is the same government Mr. Romney wants to be president of) will descend on him, threatening the lives of his wife and family (bitch ain’t family, yo!) and he’ll have to defend them with his gun. The gun will triumph! All hail the mighty gun! But, thinking for a moment (argh, thought bad!), thinking here… what would need to be done to get this man’s gun and/or guns away from him? Not even him, not specifically, unless he’s even more delusional than at first it seems, but we’re talking about getting everybody’s guns. All of them: sweeping them up off the streets, hoovering them from crawl spaces, sucking them out of the pick-up trucks, picking them out of gun safes, from out of basements and attics and under toolshed floorboards. What would it take to take away everybody’s guns? What kind of door-to-door army would need to be raised? What kind of money would we need to pump into ‘Project Disarm the Fruitcakes’ in order to disarm all the fruitcakes? And, of course, the evil librul gov’mint would have to keep very, very quiet about it all. They’d have to do it secretly. That’s why President Obama has been so quiet on the issue of gun control… it’s because he’s just waiting to send out the hundred million strong ninja commando unit to hit every American city and every Michigan farmhouse and Iowa meth lab all at once to collect their guns because once he has all the guns, then and only then will his tyrannical desires be complete and he will preside over a nation of weak and powerless non-gun owners, and then what will you do? Hijack an airplane using nothing but a boxcutter and crash it into the pentagon? Bwah-ha-ha, I’d sure like to see that! Why, the absurdity of it!
But it isn’t the paranoid gun nut that raises my dandy’s eyebrow, no, it’s rather Mr. Romney’s response. He says, “Thank you. Thank you. I believe in the second amendment,” because, as Willard skillfully implies, President Obama sure doesn’t, and sir, you may just have to protect your wife and family some day against this increasingly tyrannical government that’s on its way to your doorstep to bully your dog and shit on your vegetable patch. Because they’re coming, sir. Thank you for your bold and explicit acknowledgement that our government is in a state of out of control tyranny. Far be it from Mr. Romney to tell the paranoid nutball to sit down and shut the fuck up about his paranoid nutball bullshit. Willard won’t do that. Willard tells the man, “Thank you.” Willard complicitly agrees that, yes, the USA is a cunt-hair away from tyranny. So, does Little Mittens Fancy Pants really believe the U.S. government has sunk into a tyrannical morass, and if so, then what does he intend to do about it if he loses? If he wins? What?

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