Sinful of Joy

Worry beads erupt from my mouth
a purge of hard round marbles scattering
fan-shaped across the killing floor
they pour out by the hundreds
a sound like hitting the jackpot
every one an unforgiven sin
every one worth an eternity in Hell
and the sins surprise me
each sour grape orb a crystal ball
telling my transgressive tale
scrying into my trespasses against the divine
what do I see are my failings
not the theft of cigarettes and recyclables
tips stolen off the bar
the murder of small animals by wire or glue
landfill heaps of burning waste, but in this
cul-de-sac of damnation never ending
my crimes, unexpectedly: compassion,
charity, science and reason
for my compassion was wrong
not to invoke Jesus and prayer
but sustenance and health
charitably I gave, but never to a church
for science and reason are antithetical to faith and religion
only as the final cold sphere rolled off my tongue
chasing all those that went before, out the door
do I see how perfect, how very flawless
my sins are – smooth, unbreakable
they are atoms of soul I vomit
in defiance
of the burrs and shrapnel
humanity desires grow in the breast…
know it now
merrily I will pay for my sins
no cost is too high
when it’s beauty on the line

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