Political Proctology

“grand” and “old,” the words
in the title
grant an air of venerable respectability
something sorely needed, as of late, by any G.O.P.
a Grand Old Practitioner of medicine
faces many prejudices
seems young people today have no faith
in applications of wormwood and exorcism
just watch how they react
to a poultice of powderized tiger penis
with skepticism like theirs
it’ll be a wonder
if every man in the land isn’t impotent
in four and twenty fort nights
remove your britches and lie down, please
scientific method
facts and evidence
a good G.O.P. has no call for these
a course of quick silver’s what they need
drink the magic potion
chant the incantation
do the wellness dance
that’s tradition
tried and true methods they are
for restoring balance the humours
roll onto your belly, please
a pox upon modernity
and their microscopic bugs
the germ theory of illness
it is just a theory
what bollocks all this hand washing
sterilizing of instruments
such fanciful wastes of time
money needlessly spent
hm, this isn’t looking right
the United States has the best healthcare in the world
what a waste of public funds
genetic tests on fruit flies
experiments on meth addict monkeys
these zealots of progress
they’re the ones making everyone sick
with their insalubrious fretting
over sugars and salts and fats
hold still
counting calories like fastidious accountants
hold still
mark my words
their big ideas will be the end of us…
quit squirming
this infection of your lower bowel won’t heal itself
and these leeches aren’t going to pound themselves up your ass

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