JC Meets TJ in 66 MYA

Anybody who knows me knows
I’m a lousy God
for the most part
I just don’t like to get involved
pray to me to heal you all you like
and I will do nothing

When I was incarnate
it was different
basically intolerable to me
to allow all those lepers and blindoes
tripping, falling, oozing, rotting
bumping into others
spreading infirmity
totally gross
so, yeah… then
I did shit:
cast out demons
raised the dead
fed the hungry
but when those too long 33 years finally
and horrifically ended…
I mean, some pig squealing up at me
about a bladder infection
fuck man, their problems,
after crucifixion,
just seemed so trivial
it kind of makes which sports team wins
seem a might trite

At first, After Death – good old A.D.
there just weren’t that many beseeching me
but with that son of a bitch Paul
flapping his loose gums
all about the Mediterranean and Persia
and, well
I was overwhelmed
swamped by requests
my inbox runneth over
and who the Hell am I? The Son.
not a lesser Deity than the Father, theologically,
yet my designation
it makes me feel subordinate
I have an inferiority complex
another way in which I am
as I said at the outset
a lousy God; however,
the other day I got a prayer
that scared the all knowing crap out of me
you see, prayers, they don’t come from there
66 million years B.C.
before me, dig?
and it came from
right on the very day
Dad chucked a giant reset switch
straight at the world

Now here’s a thing about Gods
we do hear prayers and sworn oaths
we also can’t interfere anywhere
where we haven’t been called
at any rate, we ain’t supposed to
but Dad can get awful high & smitey
what with no one really caring or choosing
to call Him on it
thus, technically
the Chicxulub bolide
wasn’t exactly kosher
and holy freaking nutsandwich
there was a dude there
where and when by all means
no dude should be

So, for once, out of curiosity
I got off my ass
to check out the happenstance
and when I popped on down
double surprise! I knew the guy

Who he was, was…
a fellow who once made his own Bible
that is, he edited his very own special edition
deleting out all my miracles
the nerve!
my magic is legit
walking on water’s no great shake of a trick
but you must consider presentation:
sandals, long gown
turbulent sea
all to tell some fishers to toss their nets port
rather than starboard
then deliver the little gefiltes
direct to them
but I can dig
Tom wasn’t there
didn’t believe it
that’s noble and spirited
he wrote the Declaration of Independence
the first one anyway
and dear Tom took no shit from kings
and he wasn’t taking any from no gods either
his philosophy had no room for My divinity

So what
in the name
of my Jewish Mother’s cunt
was TJ doing 66 MYA?

Well, I had a hunch
Mr. Jefferson was looking well elderly
and Dad can be, um…
over protective of me
never mind that Passion bullshit
just ignore it; it was necessary
He had to allow it…
So I get there
and the cosmic apocalypse
is looming large overhead
“Your Lordship,” Thomas says
bowing slightly at the waist,
and maintaining eye contact
like a weirdo martial artists
as if I might strike him dead
and to his credit
for dissin’ my God Skillz
he had reason to think I could go there
but I’m not that way
no warrior me
“So what?” I ask him
He responds, right off,
all polite and mannerly
“Pleased to meet you Jesus.
I am Thomas Jefferson.
You responded to my petition. I am pleased.
Be aware, I require no assistance
and will accept none.
Dying here, in this place,
in what I suspect is an ancient world
will be a grand happiness.
I have witnessed beasts beyond imagination
and acts of alleged Gods
that are even more beastly
and more beyond.”
“Damn it, Tom.
What do you want?” I asked,
pretty infuriated
I mean, I knew he didn’t believe in me
not as a redeemer or savior or anything
but he called me and I came
and still I get labeled “alleged!”
and I do not like coming
but when I do
behold! I come quickly!
as I just did
but no, my miraculous nature is insulted
yet again

“As the condemned,” Tom pointed skyward
the comet was close
eclipsing the sun
night stars were visible
“My desire was for my due request.”

Such insolence
no groveling
I groove on a good grovel
but no
“Granted,” I said
and for your information and edification
yes, I can read minds
but only sinful thoughts
such as when you’re spanking it to the neighbor’s wife
or gazing longingly into the lobster tank
therefore and thusly
I hadn’t the foggiest notion what
this punter wanted
“What do you want? Don’t keep it a secret,” I said
and just then
before he could answer Me
a Tyrannosaur crashed through a nearby copse
I suspected the brute was sent by Pa
to terrorize poor Tom
but I smote the pre-bird prick
before it could break into view

Jeffy, briefly distracted
by the death rattle of megafauna
cleared his throat and went on
He said, “As the son of the God
of all space and time,”
he swept his right hand before him
and pointed it upward
indicating the land all around
and the doom descendant
“I figured you could hit me up:
smooth smoke, clean distillant
and maybe
arrange a not entirely unhappy future
for my nigger-love-babies.”

And I don’t know why but
I made it so
he smoked his Winston
drank his Jack
as delighted and thankful as you please
because I am a benevolent God
I showed him on a flat screen T.V.
United States of America
election returns: 2008
that pretty well did it
whisky shot out his nose
he choked on the smoke
and shit himself
all as the hammer exploded


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