Why You Little Devil

When five years old
if given a choice to be the devil or me
old scratch wins it every time
I don’t think I wanted to be evil
or that I thought Satan all that cool
but to have substantial evidence
a real appreciable and irrefutable fact
to hold and cling to, to truly know
I was bad
a weak and soft abomination
lacking coordination
fallen and falling
who may be a retard
in need of pharmaceutical intoxication
to be drug-caged
enslaved in a molten pit at the earth’s core
an object of fear and sometimes pity
a wicked beast put in its place
away from decent folk and their polite society
that at least
would have been a relief
then there’d have been a reason
a good one
for why things were as they were

A Satan’s Work is Never Done

When I see one
diligently hunched over it
highlighting, underlining
making scribbles in the margins
a hundred stick-it notes
fanning out like a turkey’s tail
to mark special pages
I feel unsettled
a small gnawing fear
for being too near to this madness
the fervent biblical mania
to me
resembles nothing short of demonic possession
an impression, to be sure
as ambivalent as a chocolate cracker
but what else
aside from neurology
could explain a man
hands clasped in prayer, thanking Jesus
for the Tommy’s chili-cheeseburger
he is dead set to ingest
nothing but Satanic influence, surely
seeing what vile shit a man might be served
and still thank the Lord
why, that’s precisely the prescription to boost God’s confidence
and isn’t that the true purpose
of what Satan’s all about anyway
an ego-boosting Divine fluffer
always there to show
that guys like Job
love Him for who He is
and not the gifts He gives
that’s probably why
when I see one of these Bible nuts
I feel the urgent need to flee
that’s Satan’s handiwork
and it’s not that he’s being a bad guy
he’s only trying to keep God’s feelings from getting hurt
by having one of those contemptible atheists
so near to one of his staunchly devoted servants
you see, God’s simply not good at defending Himself
He’s emotionally fragile
and it takes just one non-believer
to totally make Him lose His shit,
blast America’s gulf coast with a hurricane,
and run off to pout for another 2,000 years
“If that’s how you guys feel
then maybe I’ll never come back…
Thpfft!”